Chaos

Chaos: The constant state of my workshop. Alt.: Manic Creativity.
I'm not a chaotic person, I'm just in a constant state of manic creativity!

Just a Bit

The only time I have ever done anything truly amazing, I have been alone. I believe the word of others too easily; too quickly. No one has ever believed in me. No one has ever honestly thought me capable of the things I can be. I believe in myself. I know that I can do many brilliant things, and when I am alone, I do. When I am alone there is no one there to tell me how impossible it is. When I am alone there is no one there to doubt me, no one to belittle me, no one to be the constant wet blanket to my enthusiasm. I can teach myself anything. I can learn to do anything. If I were alone long enough I might even teach myself magic; such is my belief in myself while others are not present. You see, all of this world's rules fade when I am alone; they fade because I believe in the world. I believe that the world can be anything it chooses to be. I do not hold the world back with rules and preconceptions; I let it be as it wishes to be. If there are no rules, then there are no limits, and possibility is beyond imagining. If I accept that the world is not what I have been told that it is, then it isn't; and the world plays with me in it's giddiness at being free. When I am alone, the world is never what it should be, or what it shouldn't; it is never what it was or what it will be, only what it is.

Sailing a ship called Hope

Hopes, like petals cast upon the water, 

Drifting with the currents until they're too sodden to stay afloat.

Instead of letting them scatter, 

Each one of them alone, too insignificant to matter,

I'll gather them in,

Collect them together,

I'll build a ship with them to sail through the seas of disappointment.

And, if you set it aflame,

I will grow wings and fly!

I refuse to give up.

A needle in a haystack... naw... a caddy screw in the unsorted hardware bin.

 

 

 

How many of us have moments like this at work:

"Oh, look! I found one! Now, I only need three more!"

The frustration of this situation is palpable.

Trying to Explain What an Apology is...

Apologies aren't words.
Apologies are knowing and feeling what you did was wrong.
Apologies aren't spoken because someone needs to hear the words.
Apologies are spoken to convey the regret of having caused pain or fear, apologies are spoken to explain your actions without excusing them.
Apologies are meant to lay bare your thoughts and feelings at the moment you offended; to make you own them, admit to them, and recognize that they were unacceptable.
Apologies are painful; if it's not, you're doing it wrong.
You can not give an apology without first searching yourself to know exactly why.
An apology should make you feel exposed; it should be raw and bleeding truth.

Some say that we choose for our mates those who remind us of our mothers or fathers, or that because we grew up in a particular environment we will recreate it in our own lives and families because we believe it is "normal" or "right" or "expected".

I believe that we are attracted to what is known. We grew up with certain situations and environments being "home" and those situations and environments are what we feel we know and are familiar with; even though they may not be "safe" we grew up with them and know how to survive with them. We are pulled toward those who create that "known".

 

That "Calm Down" Thing

 I just had an interesting revelation based on a very recent conversation.

 I know that many of us get upset when someone tells us to "calm down". Let's be realistic here; even guys don't like it. But, have you ever really considered why? Have you ever thought about a particular instance when this has occurred and analyzed the situation? I just did; it was interesting.

First, the conversation was a calm one. I was sitting reclined in my lovely reclining wing back chair on a lovely morning with the sun coming through the window and my sweet squish of a kitty melted on the carpet in front of me. I was feeling particularly mellow. This individual and I have known each other for almost 19 years. We had been having a friendly and good natured conversation. As he was getting up to leave for lunch he warned me that someone in our social circle may be having a serious relationship moment later in the day. My immediate comment was, "You know she's not going to leave him." I said this with a rather disinterested and dismissive attitude in a very calm and even tone; my bodily posture remaining very relaxed. At which point he told me to "calm down". I thought this was odd considering how calm I felt. So, I asked, "Why did you just say that?" He replied, "Because you're upset." I was confused by this response and said, "I wasn't raising my voice. I used a very even tone." At this, he simply said, "You're upset." and walked out.

I thought about this, because I wasn't the slightest upset until he accused me of being upset the second time and walked out, refusing to explain himself. Even then, I wasn't really terribly upset, just mildly irritated at what I felt was a juvenile unwillingness to answer a calm straight forward question. I ran through his physical demeanor during the last part of the conversation in my memory and realized that he had stood up and was intent on leaving and seemed impatient to finish his statement or thought and leave. I had made a comment during that last statement. He wasn't really telling me to calm down. He was telling me to be quiet so that he could finish. Regardless of the fact that my comment was short and not followed by any further attempt to delay him. 

Consider most instances when a person might tell you to "calm down". You may actually be upset. You may be raising your voice. Or, you may not be. They aren't telling you to calm down. If your voice is raised, they likely want you to lower it. If you are talking, most likely they want you to stop. Unless someone is genuinely concerned for your health (perhaps you have a heart condition or a serious problem with anxiety) or they are attempting to prevent what they believe could become a physical altercation,  they just want you to shut up. In most cases this is exactly what "calm down" means.

Is it any wonder that we all have such an issue with being told to "calm down"?